If only animals could read. My life on the farm would be so much easier...
Dear Chickens, Geese and Ducks: Yanking on my pant legs and nibbling on my toes will NOT get you fed any faster. In fact, all of that attention to my lower extremeties makes for very slow, treacherous travel between the food storage room and the feeding area. And if you'd move your little feet out of the way, I would step on them a lot less. Thank you. The Management.
Dear New Duck Arrivals: Welcome to Crazy K Farm! We are pleased to offer you a home for life. You have the ability to free range on 35 acres to hearts' content. You have a pond to play in and bug delicacies of all sorts to snack on 24/7. Please consider the above before deciding to pile up on our doorstep, leaving those lovely little well-placed packets of duck butter for us to slip on. Thank you. The Management.
Dear Geese: When the person who feeds you leans over with the food bucket it is very rude behavior to bite them on the butt. Please refrain from this behavior or it will be the last bucket of food you ever receive. We appreciate your assistance on this matter. The Management.
Dear Chickens and One Nutty Duck: The coop doors open promptly at 8 am. The purpose of this is to enable you free-loading, err, free-ranging fowl to safely wander 35 gorgeous grub-filled acres guarded by dogs. The coops are not a place to spend the day discussing (hens), fighting (roosters) or sleeping (duck). Please use this time to feed yourselves, enjoy the weather, and get some exercise. The Management.
Dear Ducks: My height is 5' 4". Please take this into consideration when flying in for breakfast and you won't have to adjust your flight path at the last minute to avoid hitting me in the head. Although I greatly appreciate your willingness to avoid braining me, I would prefer to not view your bellies 1/16 of an inch above my head every morning. Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated. The Management.
Dear Chickens: There are over 30 nesting boxes on the farm. There really is no reason for three or four of you to squash yourselves wildly into a single box and lay eggs on top of each other. This action often results in eggs hitting the floor. Please note that I sell those eggs to pay your food and medical bills and would therefore appreciate your sticking to the rule "one chicken per box." The Management.
Dear Orphaned Ducklings: I appreciate your waiting in a pile at the door for me to come bring you in at night. However, please don't panic and scatter like I am going to eat you. We do not eat the animals on our farm. Once I pick you up you happily melt from all the love and attention I lavish on you. Try to keep this latter point in mind every evening during duckling collection time. The Management.
Dear Orphaned Ducklings: Congratulations on your successful adoption! I honor your fortitude in wearing down the nerves and resistance of the Momma Duck with the two young babies. All four of you orphans managed to slip under her time and time again no matter how forcefully she expelled you. Good job! I am so proud of you! Please know that you can always come home. Be warm. The Management.
Dear Young Ameraucana Rooster: You just started crowing and now you are sewing your wild oats. While I understand the pressures and confusions of puberty, I would like to point out to you that you are a chicken. Not a duck. So STOP THE CROSS-SPECIES SHENANIGANS! The Management.
Dear Sweet Young Rooster: I just can't handle it any more. I am not condoning your behavior at all, but I feel the need to point out to you that a duck's head is the part with the bill, and the tail is the part with all the feathers. Enough said. The Management.
Dear Nutty Duck Who Sleeps In The Chicken Coop: The chicken coop is large. There are plenty of places for you to sleep at night that are not underneath the roosts. For the sake of cleanliness, perhaps you should select a position which, when you look up, is not directly beneath a chicken's back side. Just a suggestion. The Management.
Dear Little Male Pygmy Goats: You are all neutered. You are also about 2 feet shorter than the female Spanish and Boer goats. Enough Said. The Management.
Dear Nutty Duck Who Sleeps In The Chicken Coop: Please consider inviting your boyfriend in or staying outside with him. It breaks my heart to watch him waiting there for you every morning, anxiously pacing along the outside of the coop, barely able to contain himself for the moment you emerge. Can't you take pity on a lovestruck drake? Just a suggestion. The Management.
Dear Ducks: That light over the pond is meant to give you light at night so that you can see a predator and call to the dogs. It also helps the dogs see a predator. It is not perch. It is not intended to hold your not insignificant weight (especially some of you drakes -- you know who you are.) We are going to fix the light AGAIN and I would prefer if you perched in the trees as usual. This will save your lives and our sanity. Trust us. The Management.
Dear Belligerent And Not So Smart Hen Who Is Trying To Hatch A Light Bulb: It's been 5 weeks since you began sitting on the bulb. At week 2, most hens would have realized that there was no life in the bulb and rolled it out of the nest. By week 3, it should have hatched. It is now week 5 and you are still trying to rip my hand off everytime I attempt to approach you and your beloved bulb. Give it up. The Management.